Dear Souls & Hearts Member,
As a reminder, I noted in the first reflection in this series: “Your values are your treasures. They are whatever is “precious” to you – as Gollum valued the ring. They are what motivate and move you…”
In our last reflection, Discerning your Aspirational Values with Catholic Saints and Traditional Spiritualities, with the help of the saints, we explored aspirational spiritual values – and those are critically important.
But aspirational spiritual values are not the whole story.
Why?
One of the criticisms in secular circles of Christianity in general and Catholicism is particular is that the Church doesn’t help people with their real problems (see here and here for just two examples).
That perception — that the Church does not effectively address my real problems right now might at least partially explain why some many Catholics abandon the faith entirely.
Data from Pew Research, PRRI, and other sources, reviewed by Brandon Vogt in his excellent article New Stats on Why Young People Leave the Church, reveal these highlights (or lowlights):
- 10% of American adults are former Catholics – that’s about 25 million former Catholic adults in the US
- 79% of former Catholics leave the Church before the age of 23
- 50% of Millennials baptized Catholic no longer identify as Catholics
- Only 7% of Millennials raised Catholic still practice their faith by attending Mass weekly, praying at least a few times per week, and asserting that their faith is at least “very important” to them
And why do they leave the Church? Vogt reviews these survey statistics:
- 60% of former Catholic stated they left the Church because they stopped believing in Catholic teaching, according to 2016 PRRI survey
- 43% stated that their spiritual needs were not being met according to a 2009 Pew survey
- 68% stated their spiritual needs were not being met according to the 2014 Diocese of Springfield Exit Survey
I believe that so many Catholics leave Catholicism because they don’t see the Church as offering viable solutions to their problems. They are unimpressed with Catholic spiritual bypassing, in which natural level needs and problems and solutions are bypassed in favor of spiritual answers. They don’t see the Church as being willing or able to meet their pressing needs, as providing answers to their difficulties, especially in the natural realm. They have decided to look elsewhere to find what they are seeking – to meet the attachment needs and integrity needs that burden their souls and hearts.
That is why it is so important to address both natural needs as well as spiritual needs in considering aspirational values, to address the entirety of the person in all of his or her parts, and not focus exclusively on the spiritual realm to the detriment of real natural needs.
Why should we look to secular sources? Isn’t that a bad idea? Might not I be led astray?
In reality, seeking the good is secular sources is both a catholic (small c) and a Catholic (capital C) position.
According to Merriam Webster, “catholic” means “comprehensive, universal; broad in sympathies, tastes or interests.” If we neglect the realities discovered in non-Church sources, we will lose so much of what God intends us to have as Catholics. We don’t discard the reality of the double helix structure of DNA because its discoverers, James Watson and Francis Crick, were prone to express severe anti-Catholic bigotry. We can embrace the reality and the beauty of the double helix structure without the vitriol of its discoverers to toward the beauty and reality of our faith.
St. Augustine in his theological text De Doctrina Christiana, Book 2 Chapter 40 exhorts us:
Moreover, if those who are called philosophers, and especially the Platonists, have said anything that is true and in harmony with our faith, we are not only not to shrink from it, but to claim it for our own use…all branches of heathen learning have not only false and superstitious fancies and heavy burdens of unnecessary toil, which we ought to abhor and avoid; but they contain also liberal instruction which is better adapted to the use of the truth, and some most excellent precepts of morality; and some truths in regard even to the worship of the One God are found among them. Now these are, so to speak, their gold and silver, which they did not create themselves, but dug out of the mines of God’s providence which are everywhere scattered abroad.
Carmelite Abbot Marc Foley, in the best psychobiography of a saint ever written (in my opinion) The Context of Holiness: Psychological and Spiritual Reflections on the Life of St. Therese of Lisieux, gives his reasons for using the insights of Freud and other secular thinkers in understanding the psychology of the Little Flower with these admirably balanced admonitions:
In short, we should never swallow a school of thought whole; we should sift the wheat from the chaff, separate truth from falsehood. As St. Thomas wrote of St. Augustine’s use of Platonic philosophy: “whenever Augustine, who was imbued with the doctrines of the Platonists, found in their teaching anything consistent with faith, he adopted it: and those things which he found contrary to faith he amended.” (ST I, q. 84, a. 5).
We should never reject a system of thought outright simply because some of its tenants may be false. We need to ask what part is true; what ideas, concepts, paradigms, models of thought, etc., can be useful in elucidating matters of faith. As St. John of the Cross put it, regarding his treatment of the spiritual life: “I will not rely on experience or science . . . [but] I will not neglect whatever possible use I can make of them” (A Prol 2, emphases added). In short, we should not fail to employ a tool simply because it has limited value. A case in point is my use of the psychology of Sigmund Freud in trying to understand the mysterious illness Thérèse suffered when she was ten years old. Why Freud? Why would I subject the Little Flower to the psychological scalpel of this “completely Godless Jew,” as Freud once referred to himself? Why would I employ the psychological system of a man who believed that religion was an illusion? I employ it for a very simple reason. While I do not accept Freud’s philosophical and theological beliefs, I have found that his explanation of the role of repression in neurotic episodes is the most helpful one for shedding light on Thérèse’s illness. This is an example of separating the wheat from the chaff. [p. 4]
So just as St. Augustine accepted so much from Plato, and St. Thomas accepted so much from Aristotle, and Abbot Marc Foley accepted much from Freud, all of them sifting and sorting the wheat from the chaff, so I encourage you to do as well in discerning your aspirational values and writing your values statement.
The light of Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato, represented above in the drawing for this reflection as oil lamps, flickers and can be inconsistent. The Renaissance thinkers, represented by Leonardo Da Vinci’s “Vitruvian Man,” hold out candles to us to enlighten certain humanistic and individualistic elements, but which may also distract from the brighter transcendent light of the Son.
The light from Freud’s match and cigar cast a glow that helps us to grasp the implications of the unconscious, but which does not illuminate the full mystery of the psyche. Richard Schwartz’ flashlight casts a narrow beam, but a beam that has so illuminated parts and systems thinking while leaving so many critical anthropological issues in the dark. Brené Brown’s flashlight shines on many aspects of shame, but in a proscribed way, separated from a fuller understanding of us Catholics as beloved little sons and daughters of God.
Secular sources provide lists of natural values
To help you in your eventual writing of a personal values statement, I have scoured the internet in search of summaries of what other have found important in life. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, offers this list of 50 core values that might spark your imagination; these are largely secular to me with a handful of exceptions. Researcher and author Brené Brown offers a list of 117 values. And not to be outdone, executive coach and author Scott Jeffrey provides us with his Ultimate List of Core Values with more than 230 to choose from which he classifies into 12 broader categories: Integrity, Feelings, Achievement, Intelligence, Spirituality, Creativity, Freedom, Courage, Order, Enjoyment, Presence, Health. I’ve combined all three of these lists into one downloadable PDF sheet as it might spark some ideas about values you may choose for your own.
Here are some categories of natural aspirational values I came up with that might be helpful:
Integrity: Authenticity, Autonomy, Honesty, Self-Respect, Fairness, Justice, Self-expression, Assertiveness, Boundaries, Human Formation
Relationship/Attachment: Friendships, Service, Kindness, Patience, Service, Trust, Vulnerability, Acceptance, Courtesy, Patience, Sharing, Spontaneity, Support, Thoughtfulness, Transparency, Listening, Limits
Emotional Regulation: Parts Work, Peace, Stability, Joy, Serenity, Calm, Restraint
Receptivity: Intuition, Openness, Imagination, Silence, Flexibility, Trying new things
Childlikeness: Playfulness, Awe, Freedom, Wonder, Curiosity, Transparency, Trust
Responsibility: Determination, Accountability, Self-discipline, Commitment, Dependability, Structure
Recreation: Fun, Leisure, Sportsmanship, Moderation, Reading, Nature
Physical: Health, Sleep, Nutrition, Exercise, Medical Care
Family: Time Together, Communication, Affirmations, Little Gifts, Love Languages, “Snippets”
Professional: Competency, Collaboration, Initiative, Leadership, Teamwork, Vision, Innovation, Productivity
Values vs. goals
One thing to note in this list is that values are still general – we get into specifics when we identify goals. For example, “sleep” is a value that a Catholic mom may want to cherish more; “getting to bed by 10 PM each weeknight” would be a goal ordered to that value.
“Snippets” is the codeword in my family for special, individual time that each child can have with each parent regularly. A goal for the value of “snippets” might be to have three 15-minute snippets each week with a young daughter, and to go out for lunch with a son who is home from college on fall break this week.
After we finish the reflections on values and mission in the coming weeks, we will explore goals and habits in greater detail.
Considering developmental factors
More than two decades of clinical experience has shown me that the manager parts of so many Catholic much prefer having a spiritual problem rather than a human formation deficit. It seems more noble to be experiencing a “dark night of the soul” or at least a “spiritual desolation” than the symptoms of depression, for example.
And concomitantly, the manager parts of so many Catholics strongly prefer highly idealistic and noble values, values that are immediately associated with their personal vision. Unfortunately, though, this can lead to a kind of rending and fragmenting inside if the more basic, earlier, human, messy developmental needs are not met for the person.
Let me give you an example. I vividly remember how, early in my practice, several Catholic mothers in their 30s and 40s were referred to me by priests for psychotherapy due to fairly serious psychological issues. Some of them never came; they insisted their problems were spiritual, not psychological. Others never came because they saw seeking psychotherapy as “selfish” or could not “justify” the time away from their children. Others did come, some of them under obedience to their spiritual directors.
One thing these women had in common was an intense desire to “die to self.” The majority seemed to have a copy of Thomas à Kempis’ Imitation of Christ in their handbags, and they spoke in highly spiritualized terms of sacrificing themselves completely for others.
Which is a noble aspiration, and a great value to possess.
But only if you are ready for it.
What these women also shared was that they were not self-possessed. They did not yet sufficiently “own” themselves enough to freely give of themselves. They were dominated by self-sacrificer and compliant surrenderer parts who believed that you loved other by giving them what they wanted. These parts assumed that if they sacrificed themselves on the altar of others’ desires, then the other would meet their deep attachment needs.
But it didn’t work out that way.
Instead, because these women lacked basic boundaries and had not yet developed the capacity to set effective limits, they were routinely exploited by their husbands and children, treated as doormats. This led other parts of them to harbor deep resentments and frustration, that fueled passive-aggressive retaliatory behaviors that undermined their attempts to love.
The histories of these women generally revealed difficulties in the stages of separation and individuation from their parents – often at ages 2, 6, and about 13.
So you can see that “boundaries” are a possible natural aspirational value under the category of integrity and “limits’ under relationships.
Join me to work on your values statement live on October 25
We have more than 100 who are working through their personal values statements with me in our Zoom workshop. The third workshop on values with me is on Friday, October 25 from 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM Eastern time; I will be discussing natural aspirational values and sharing with you some of my values that are included in my personal values statement. If you have reached out to me, I’ve sent you an email with the link and passcode and I will send a reminder on October 25. If you would like to join us, let me know at crisis@soulsandhearts.com – there is no charge for these workshops. Check out the series on vision and values statements in the archive of reflections. Here are recordings from the previous workshops:
August 16, 2024 Writing your Personal Vision Statement Guidance on writing a vision statement with examples.
Values Workshop 1: What are values? How do we approach parts and values? How some values can and should change over time in dynamic ways, as we value both ends and means.
October 1, 2024 Values Workshop 2: Aspirational values and natural values – how both are important. And how it’s going in identifying and writing about values.
Next reflection
Each November, we especially remember the Holy Souls of Purgatory. Thus, will be taking a brief break from our series on personal statements on October 28, 2024 for a follow-up discussion with to my reflection titled Human Formation in Purgatory? Yes, Indeed. Resilient Catholics Community graduate Steve Patton and our dear friend Fr. Boniface Hicks, OSB engage with me in a conversation about that reflection, sharing different ideas. You won’t want to miss it.
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New IIC Podcast Episode 151: Catholic Parts Work: IFS Demonstrations with Dr. Peter
What does Catholic parts work look like in action? Join Dr. Peter as he accompanies David and Ian in the latest Interior Integration for Catholics podcast as they connect with not only their manager parts but also some of their exiled parts in these demonstrations. These demonstrations illustrates very typical ways of working with parts in an accompanied way. We address themes of safety, fears of looking weak, play, body sensations, the need for excellence, and the importance of mission, among others. You are invited into the “observer role” to connect with your own parts in your human formation as you experience the demo and your parts resonate with parts coming up in Ian and David’s work. 100 minutes. Video Audio.
Dr. Peter on the air
Deacons Joey Rolwing and Max Gallegos invited me as a guest on their Logos podcast for an episode titled Integration and Porn Addiction: Reclaiming your Identity (video and audio). Here is the description:
We are all fractured, in some way. Sometimes its our own fault, other times it is not, but we all lack interior integration. On top of this, many have resorted to pornography to compensate and help them cope with an already growing disintegration. How do we get out of this hole? Is brute force the way?
On this episode, Dr. Malinoski, a clinical psychologist, contributor to FOCUS, hosted on the Chris Stefanick Catholic Show, and co-founder of Interior Integration, helps lay out a proper anthropological vision of who man is and who he is called to be. In doing so, he gives us a pathway to understand our need for interior integration and how to move towards it.
If that episode resonates with you, you might also like Episode 114, titled Lifting Sexual Burdens: An IFS demonstration with Drew Boa and my 100-minute workshop titled Working with Parts Who Want Porn. Many more resources on overcoming pornography use are listed under “pornography” on our Souls and Hearts’ resource page.
This is it! The Resilient Catholics Community has reopened for new applications until October 31
The Resilient Catholics Community (the RCC) is at the very core of Souls and Hearts. Nearly 400 faithful Catholics are working on their human formation, both in small groups and with a companion, in addition to doing their internal work individually. We are on a journey, a pilgrimage together to flourishing. The RCC is not about surviving, or muddling through – it’s about breaking through to a whole new way of being and loving.
How do we do it? We have a structured, step-by-step program that is 12 months long to walk you through so much about parts work based in a Catholic understanding of the human person. We start at the very beginning – in weekly 90-minute company meetings, you will listen to a pre-recorded Inner Connections talk from me about all the important aspects of Internal Family Systems. We also do experiential exercises in every company meeting, to help your parts feel safe enough to be seen, heard, known and understood, so that you can love them, and thus be much better equipped to love God and your neighbor.
As part of the application process, you will experience the PartsFinder Pro (the PFP), a set of 18 measures to help you come to understand 10-15 of your parts (managers, firefighters, and exiles) and how they relate to your innermost self and to each other. You’ll get feedback on your PFP through a 6 to 7 page report and can discuss it in a 15 minute Zoom interview with a Souls and Hearts staff member – all of that is included in the $499 application fee (contact Pam at office@soulsandhearts.com if there is financial need for a scholarship). Are you ready to apply? If so, click this registration link to get started.
I want to remind everyone that the discernment to apply to the RCC and the discernment to join the RCC are two different things. Joining the RCC is a joint discernment that takes weeks. If you apply, you are not committing to join. To help with the discernment about whether or not to apply, check out this 19-minute experiential exercise.
I’ve heard so much feedback about how helpful the PFP has been to so many of our RCC members and some of them have provided testimonials on our RCC landing page. One new feature of the RCC is that Dr. Gerry has begun a monthly office hour on Zoom, just for RCC members.
And now, until October 31, the RCC is accepting applications for our St. Hildegard of Bingen cohort, our eighth cohort. For more information, check out our RCC landing page or get in touch with me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or on my cell at 317.567.9594. And click on this registration link to start your human formation adventure if you are ready!
Please pray for us
Please keep Souls and Hearts in your daily prayer intentions. That is so important, and the best gift you can give us. I and the Souls and Hearts staff are praying for you.
Warm regards in Christ and His Mother,
Dr. Peter